Monday May 24th

Here it is after midnight and once again I find myself thinking of you (Dave). I have thought about you all day.....I have thought about the little things... the way you always kissed me hello and goodbye....your smile....your blue eyes.... your voice...... We counted our years together in anniversaries, but we kept track in school years as well, ......it is funny that we kept track that way!
This morning I attended the "year end" Inservice as I have for the last 26 years, but today was very different because you were not there. I felt you there, I spoke for you there, but you were beginning a journey, one that I can only imagine.
So now the counting takes on a new perspective.....anniversaries without you....school years counted without you......and I am beginning a journey as well, and it is a journey without you.
In times of trouble we found enormous strength and faith in one another and I am going to need you to help me thru this. I know that you told me that "feeling sorry for yourself doesn't make the situation any better"......so I am going to try not to disappoint you.....I will remain strong for our kids.......I will listen for your voice, and I will try to gain courage and confidence each day as I face whatever new experience comes my way. .....once again it will be just you and me.....new beginnings for us both.....
This is the end of my blog...it was meant to be a testimony to your life, Dave, and to your courage. I hope it was a testament to the deep and unending love that we shared as well, a love that your death has only interrupted until we can be together again.
Blessings to all of the friends that have been with us each day and that have made each moment better.

Sunday May 23rd

My days seem to be a series of short clips..some good, others come crashing down when I least expect it......I had Dave's wedding band sized to fit me and it was ready today...(earlier than I had expected) having it on my finger sent me into a bit of a meltdown....
As luck would have it Schultz's called and asked me to join them for dinner.....I think it was a God thing or maybe Dave was watching out for me.......
Tomorrow there is a district meeting and I really want to thank my wonderful Maize family for all that they had done to help us through this difficult time. I AM determined to get thru it without being too emotional. I think Dave would want me to thank everyone.....I know that they are presenting me with something for him......it will be another short clip in my day.....bittersweet I am sure.....

Thursday May 20th

Chris and I went out to Resthaven today to finish the design for Dave's brass marker. It was a very emotional day for us both. I don't think I could have gone out there myself....
Leeann called me late this afternoon and we went out to eat and then came back here to watch the season closer of "Gray's Anatomy". I didn't feel very well, but she was a good sport about it! I don't know if I have a bug or a bit of a nervous stomach.....
Matt and Cayte had to take their Lab pup to Mission, Kansas for shoulder surgery today. I went over to doggie sit their other dog.....It has been quite a week.....
Blessings to all....

Wednesday May 19th

What a dreary day!! We need to see the sun shine.....
I spent most of the day writing "thank you" notes. Some of the flowers that Dave received had only first names on them and I was not able to figure who they were from exactly. It is frustrating because it is important to me that EVERYONE know that each and every act of kindness was so appreciated....
I continue to receive so many cards from friends....We are still receiving donations for Hospice and for Dave's memorial. I go weekly to Hospice and I now have an account set up for the memorial until we decide how best to spend the money. I am open for suggestions.......
Chris continues to stay with me at night....it is good because we have had a chance to talk about alot of things.......I am so lucky to have the kids that I have....and that includes my son-in-law....we have been a support system for one another. Our life has forever changed, but we are going to be OK and I know that Dave knew that fact as well.......
Blessings to all........

Monday May 17th

The "Benefit Bash" for Dave was wonderful, and the weather could not have turned out to be better! Thank you Kevan (and band) for doing such a selfless thing! I will use the donations to do something really special for MSMS.....I have lots of minds thinking about it right now and we would appreciate suggestions....
To all who attended THANK YOU SO MUCH! I tried to get around to everyone....it was a bittersweet time for me.
Everyone asks how I am...I am just keeping very busy....I compare my life to eating fluffy mashed potatoes without salt! Each day I am filled but it is not very satisfying........
Chris continues to stay with me at night and that helps me sleep better.....Cayte and Matt check on me daily....and my friends are just the BEST!!!
Going from a life filled with love, laughter and a perfect partnership to this strange quiet will take some getting used to......But if Dave can finish his life with the strength and grace that he maintained...I know that I must do my best( to make him proud.) He did after all say repeatedly "Feeling sorry for myself is NOT going to make this situation any better" What a guy!!!
Blessings to all..........

Thursday May 13

A week has gone by and in some ways it seems an eternity. I keep really busy during the day, but the nights are my enemy. Chris has been staying with me and that helps.
Nights give me an opportunity to think, which is sometimes good and sometimes bad......I remember the first time that I "experienced death"......I was about 14 and a friend of mine died very suddenly of an aneurysm. At school the next day our teacher gave us a poem that we discussed as part of our healing and processing. It is ironic that I remember the first words of that poem..."The bustle in the house the morning after death". I never really understood those words until now.
Voices, movements, family conversations all registered aimlessly in my mind after Dave died..... I could only think about the emptiness and the pain of losing my love......the noise was just bustle in the house and in my mind.
Dave's brother gave me a silver heart that is broken in two pieces, but bound together with gold thread. It symbolizes the fact that even though a heart is broken it will heal in time, bringing wisdom and compassion. Dave was an incredible man. I am going allow myself some time to ache and then because of the strength of our love I will move on. Reading your cards, e-mails, facebook comments...are all comforting. I know that a part of my life is over, but with your help and prayers, I will discover a new direction and I will be OK.....I have so many good deeds to pay forward!
Thank you to everyone for the donations, plants, the "Westerman cross" was beautiful......stamps, gift cards, food, paperplates, cups, more food .....I hope that I don't leave anyone out as I begin to send my thank yous!!!!
Blessings to all.....Dave and I have been loved well by all of you!!!!

Friday May 7th

I am not sure how much longer that I will continue this blog.....writing it has been good for me because it gave me a chance to sit and reflect at the end of each day.
My life has changed now, and soon I will have to discover who I am again.
I have lost my best friend and the love of my life. I can't imagine being loved by someone as completely as I was loved by Dave. That in itself will sustain me..
Thank you ALL for the love and support that you sent our way thru all of this....